My (Hi)story.

Is it weird that I think about writing every time I'm eating chips and salsa? Right, I didn't think so either. Chips, salsa, writing. . . it's all related anyway.

My International Politics (IP) and US History (USH) classes are really opening my eyes to things I never had the chance to see before. We watched a documentary about Germany invading Russia during WWII in my IP class. It was pretty shocking and heartbreaking. I saw actual footage of people during those times. I saw hunger, sadness, blood- lots of blood. It wasn't easy to watch.

And then my USH class just provides so much information that I never had access to (right now how the US reacted towards WWII). I mean, I honestly feel a little jealous of kids that went to school here, because I went to really small schools in Colombia and I think my history classes were limited and provide little information. I feel like I've been missing out a lot. But thankfully now I get to have it.

It's also helping me to come up with new ideas for future writing so I guess that's a good thing. Oh, and I've decided to double major in History- ta ra!

Things are good. I like the way things are going. I'm hoping that I'll be able to do more writing once I'm done with my committee (for Alpha Gamma Sigma)- which should be some time soon. I'm ready to spend Thanksgiving with my best friend and her family. I'm ready to be 21. I'm ready to go home for Christmas. But I'm not in a hurry to get there yet. Things are good now. And they'll just keep getting better. Hopefully.

If it's not clear, the picture reads "I am one of the 25,000 people that die because health care doesn't cover me.

A Couple Of Maybes

Let me lose.
Let me crash and burn.
I don't know if I can do good no more.
Tell me I'm done and that my chances are none.
Save me from my own insecurities and simply let me go.
Cover my eyes with your ways and do me wrong.
Don't you save me now if you will be the one to do me worst.
Walk away while I pick up the pieces from the floor.
Walk now while my pain is numb.
Walk know when I don't know love.
I was not meant to win so I should be able to deal.
I'll forget you or so I say.
You'd be nothing but a frame- in a line, in my hands.
Shame.
We weren't meant to win.
Just walk away.

As I was eating dinner tonight (a corn dog and chips and salsa), it hit me that I needed to write something. Life has been pulling me away from you- and that is supposed to be a good thing. But then again I'd like to think that you missed me and were waiting to hear from me.

Ever since I've been living on my own, I have been putting my tough face on. You know, the one that says to the world that I can take anything. But always knowing deep inside that most of the time this doesn't apply; I'm human- I get hurt, angry, happy, excited, etc.

My problem is that I wanna help everybody. All by my little self. I wanna take care of people and make sure everyone is fine. I wanna make people happy. That is after all why I write. I wanna take people's mind into this world I have the power to create. But I always run into this wall that reminds me that I CAN'T help everybody.

So how do I know when I'm supposed to stop? How do I say to myself, "this a lost cause, let it go." Do I even wanna do that? I don't know. But I do know that I don't like waking up one day wanting to put everything aside, and wanting to be five, and sleeping under my mother's arms.

Maybe I need to write more. Maybe I need to actually create those stories and hope that they would eventually reach someone who needs them- and they will actually help them.

I wanna start taking pictures again. I wanna show people how I see the world because I see the world being well. I see the world changing and I feel it can only get better from here. Hold me accountable for this. Ask me for pictures if you don't see them soon. I need your help to remember.

I'm A Murderer

I make decisions on a daily basis (and I'm sure you do too). It doesn't matter how small they are (Should I take the bus to school instead of my car; should I sleep ten more minutes this morning; etc), I know they will affect me somehow at some point. Sometimes I feel like I'm too young for some decisions, and old for other ones- but there's always a decision somewhere to be made.

I dropped table tennis last night, in order to rearrange my work schedule, and have more time to write- because after looking at my schedule for the past three weeks, I didn't set time aside to write (shame on me). I also gave up some sleep yesterday so I could catch up with my Stats homework; but I did give up breakfast this morning in order to sleep 20 minutes more than usual.

Now, when it comes to writing, it's just about the same- As much as I'd love to explain in full detail what I'm writing about, I am one of those who thinks that there's a chance someone may take my work and just put their name on it. Right now I'm working on a scene where James (my lead's dad) has discovered that he has a heart condition. His immediate reaction is to keep to himself and protect his family from such daunting fact. Now what's the problem?

Should he die through my story or not? One of the best feelings in the world (at least for me) is to be able to create something. Every time I write, with every single keystroke, I get that feeling (no wonder I'm a writer). James is my creation and even if you may think what I'm about to say is silly, it breaks my heart to think that he would die- and what's worst, that Jenny (my lead) would have to go through it.

Why am I considering his death? Because his wife is set on a decision that I need to change and his death may change her thinking. Notice how it sounds like I have little control over the characters? It's true, I don't. There may be some things I can change but others that I definitely can't.

I'm no longer sure why I started this post to begin with but I do know something, I'm working to make a decision on James' life and I'm thinking hard about it (so hard that I'm sharing it)- but when it comes to something that affects me, I just do it with little or no thought.

Are we all so careless about ourselves or have I forgotten that what I do today will come back at me tomorrow?

photo taken from https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaI8JQdeWg8J3JihJ_CYBHb9jD6VHHsMeXacP0AUIeXo1kzJA1wtZsi7igUb-atnnIjqalU8-1YBdJxZPSBwybIqEfys8DimZ-uGfnstBYVdKywESkJYzBmfjz-XZJdVdHqozrF3fRiiKo/s600/Jesse+James-Death+photo-1882-age-34-St.+Joseph,+Mo.jpg

The Writer

Yes, I'm a cheater. Bear with me, crazy week. This a post I wrote a few months back. Enjoy!

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It feels like a miracle- making it through the week. Once Thursday shines on the other side of my window, I know the weekend is coming and so are the homework and due papers. But soon enough, it will be Monday all over again.

I had enough time the other day to do some blogging. I came all excited to express my ideas but at the end of my entry, I hadn't said what I initially wanted to say. I wanted to cancel my entry and write it again but I was already three minutes late for class.

"Luck Story" (The almost canceled entry) stayed in my mind for the rest of the day. I could not understand why I hadn't been able to write what I initially wanted to, and instead ended up with an entry that seemed useless at the time.

Later on, in the quietness of an empty break room, as I was doing some reading, I realized that in order to write what I initially wanted to write, I first had to write "Luck Story" so I could actually make my point.

Am I The Writer Of My Writing?

The other day I ran into my friend's sister's blog. As I was reading entry after entry, I felt like I was getting to know the girl who wrote those entries. Ever read someone's blog and felt connected to them? Ever thought of what they were doing while writing the blog? (Eating, watching T.V. . .) Ever wondered what their writing place looked like? (An office, bedroom, library, park. . .) Well I usually do, but aside from those things I also wondered how much true there is fixed in our blogs.

When we talk, we have limited time to think about what we're saying. If I'm writing something, I can work on the same sentence over and over again. I can start a draft in the morning and come back to it later. I can even edit the whole thing after it's been posted!!! But all of this was just a thought and I really didn't know how to explore it further. And that's when "Luck Story" came along-

To summarize, my previous blog tells the story of the first time I was ever selected to receive something free. But there's also another story about how unlucky I was as a child. What could this blog possibly say to you? That I was remembering my childhood? That I saw a colored bird and it reminded me of a traumatized memory? That I was wondering why I love reading so much?

Truth be told, neither of the above things apply. I was just sitting here, waiting to go to class, wondering if what I say to you here nearly gives you an idea of who I am. Now maybe I'm over thinking this a little too much, or perhaps I just can't go on one day without coming up with a weird question, but

CAN YOU TELL WHAT SOMEONE IS LIKE FROM THEIR WRITING?

Sick, Sick, Sick

It feels like forever since the last time I was here in front of this screen. Yesterday was a very long day, but here I am in L.A. safe and sound. The flight was good, watched football games for most of it. The movie (G.I. Joe) could have been better- although I may have been too exhausted to completely enjoy it.

I can now say so long wanted job because I couldn't make my interview today. I am sick. As a matter of fact, I'm very sick (so feel special that I still made the effort to post something. . .Or I should feel special that you're reading. Never mind!) but that wasn't the reason why I couldn't go. When on my way to the interview, I received a call from school saying that they needed me to take care of some stuff immediately if I wanted to complete the process to work at the Outreach center. So I figured it was better to make sure I'd be hired there okay than risk it and maybe not get hired as a Supplemental Instructor or at the Outreach center. Yes, it sucks but I'll get over it. I hope.

So it's Wednesday and it's my time to talk about writing. And I'm gonna tell you how much writing I've done, ZERO. None whatsoever! But bear with me, I got home around 11pm and I've been running errands since I woke up- and I'm sick. However, now that I'm home I can do more writing than before. And I also have five days before school starts. So I'm setting up a 3-page daily goal.

Hopefully I'll feel better later so I can accomplish this goal.

Igniting Spark

In the last month I worked at the movie theater, I watched the Julie and Julia movie preview almost on a daily basis. I'm not that great at cooking, nor do I watch any cooking shows (except for Top Chef every now and then) so why I ever wanted to watch this movie is still way beyond my understanding.

Since the night it came out, I made plans to go watch it. On a Monday night. But then it became a Tuesday night. And a Wednesday. And a Thursday. And I'm not sure how this movie deal got postponed so much but I'll blame the NFL preseason for now.

Last night, a Friday night, I gave my plans a second chance and once again mentioned to a friend that I wanted to see that movie. But as time went by, I was already in the verge of canceling on myself (which doesn't sound too good now that I write about it) until my uncle came over.

"What are you doing tonight, kiddo?"

"I was thinking of watching a movie, why?"

"What movie?"

"Julie and Julia"

He nodded. I'm not sure why or how but I asked him if he wanted to come along. And surprisingly enough, he said he did. I say surprisingly because the title "Julie and Julia" should be a big hint that this ain't no action movie like "Die Hard" or "Lethal Weapon" or "Predator" or well, you get the idea. But to be honest, I'm glad I'd had company for the movie- and knowing my uncle, a free movie ticket and free snacks also.

For some reason, out of the many times I watched the previews for this movie, I thought that Julie was trying to write a book (no worries, I won't spoil the movie for you if haven't seen it), but she was actually writing a blog (I guess this could be a spoiler if you did think she was writing a book as I did- in that case, oops!). So this changed my thoughts about the movie- now it had gotten personal.

As written above, I won't spoil the movie so all I can say now it's what happened with me while watching the movie. First, it made me realize how much I enjoy writing here and how much I look forward to hear back from you, the reader(s). Second, how much I love writing in general, and how I know that the day I get to see "Written by Ashley Kay"somewhere, would be a pretty damn good day. Third, it made me think about my friend T. and how lucky I was to have her (not that I didn't know that I already). Somehow it made me wanna start everyday as if I really wanted to be awake- regardless of the time.

But isn't that what stories are all about anyway? Sometimes they inspire us, sometimes they anger us, the make us cry, or laugh, or think- but whatever feeling they ignite in you, they're always there to give you some awareness.

It made me realize why I write- Because I wanna be that igniting spark. Don't we all?

Setting Goals

Some writers may have the luxury to stay at home all day and do all the writing they please. However, I (along with millions of others) don't have that luxury. I am a college student which translates into little time to write.

In order to get all the things I need to get done on a weekly basis, I keep a rigorous schedule (and I stick to it). As I've mentioned earlier, writing is picky and sometimes you feel like writing and sometimes you don't, but I've come to realize that the more you write, even if you're not sure of what you're writing, the more you actually WANT to write.

Fall semester is on my windshield view (11 days to go!) and I am already afraid of my schedule. Class wise I'll have Elementary Statistics, History of Western Civilization II, International Politics, Political Philosophy, and Knowledge and Reality (Which I'm actually trying to switch for Intermediate Italian I, so cross your fingers for me!). There's also a table tennis class, because if I don't play a sport during a semester I'll go crazy. Three weekly meetings- as Alpha Gamma Sigma board member. Actually, I think it's four meetings, but I'm not sure yet. Volunteer work. And there's also a part-time job in the way. Scary, huh?

So for all of you who have full-time jobs, children, dogs, whatever it is that you have, if writing IS what you WANT to do, then it's time you start doing it. Even if you can only schedule an hour daily to write, if you do it daily, eventually you'll finish whatever you start.

Setting up a "page goal" is also very useful. What that means is that you set a two-page goal per day, so you won't go to bed until you've written your daily two pages. And if you happen to get inspired and write 10 pages, then way to go! But if you don't, as long as you those two, then you're good.

If you don't work towards that thing that you want, it's unlikely that such thing will come to you from the sky (Unless you really want rain). I know it's easier said than done, trust me I do. But I also know NEVER is a good time to give up. Who knows, maybe that story you've been pushing off to write will save someone's life. So what are you waiting for?